(Picasso's Guernica 1937, oil on canvas) A good visual of what's been going on in my head as of late
I don't even know how to properly begin this tirade, so I guess I'm just going to take as pragmatic an approach as I can. Maybe I can easily make a detailed account if I came up with a thesis statement first. Hmm let's see...
...PEOPLE SUCK. I suck, you suck, we all suck. The world is an ominous, disgusting place, and I want to escape from my despicable little bubble ASAP.
How's that for a thesis?
I continue my structured account by enumerating the reasons behind my sudden social dementia:
1. I've been around terrible people for too long. How do I know it's been too long? Because I think I'm pretty terrible myself. I think that I've turned into someone I don't like because of the people around me, and that I have yet to be true to the sinister, straightforward underbelly of my character. Some of the people I know frustrate me, because some of them--really,some of them...are genuinely atrocious. Really. Self-absorbed, arrogant, obnoxious yet truly idiotic..the works!I don't get these people, I don't get myself and I don't get how I am able to tolerate and actually participate in this kind of social debauchery. This point may be poorly argued, but I really don't know how to amply explain my thoughts on this. Then again I'm sure it's quite easy to catch my drift. In very close relation to this point and my sentiment in my thesis about my "despicable bubble"...
2...I'm lifting a quote from something I posted on Therese's Facebook wall (yes, I refuse to participate in actual social gatherings yet I can't afford to pull away from the totem of online social networking. haha hypocritical me :P)
"I know, I have slits for eyes nowadays. I hate it,all the ill feelings I'm harboring are blurring mah vision. I think it's my psyche letting me know that I've exhausted as much as I can from Manila and that I need.to.get.out. For the sake of my aspirations, social skills and sanity. I think you and I both need to break away from this congested, phony, repetitive, claustrophobic bubble.."
I can only hope that there's absolute truth to one of my parting lines.
"..Soon, bebe, soon, we shall."
3. I'm through with not knowing. Not knowing who I am, not entirely knowing who my real friends are, not knowing why I feel so stuck and sticky with pretense and delusion, not knowing everything about what the rest of the world has to offer, not knowing anything at all. Anything.
I hardly have any breathing room in this city, a city so beautiful yet so cyclical, hierarchical and phony. As of now the best I can do is get a few gulps of fresh air every once in a while--during my moments of solace reading Bourdain and Baudelaire in between working on my thesis, the cups of coffee sipped alone, the Saturdays spent with the only person who allows me to breathe completely easy, the moments with cherished friends that can't ever be erased from my memory. I long for a life with the air untainted, and that's the kind of life I intend to begin living soon...
...and this beginning can only come with the closing of an old chapter, so I should probably stop this now and get back to my thesis so as to come a step closer to graduating on time. As "emo" or whiney as I sound in this entry to whoever may be reading this, I believe the appropriate description is jaded. Probably a bit more jaded at the moment than many of you are, but I'm sure some of you are echoing my thoughts.
As I am as lost and as stuck as a number of you are, all I can leave you with are the all too wise and timely lyrics of Tony Ellis: "I know one day a change will have to come".
I know too, Mr. Ellis. I think many who feel the same way I do know, too...
...and soon, baby. Soon, it shall.
